This is a hard post to write. Hard because I could say this to you in person, but I don't want you to take it the wrong way. I was about to say something mid-week, but hesitated because the conversation became too heated over this very reason: if not said properly, it can come out very ugly, and taken the wrong way. So I'll post it here, and when you do get to read this, hopefully you can understand where I'm coming from.
I miss you. I miss the REAL you. It made me so sad listening to you talk on the way home this week. I've known you for about fifteen years now; I watched you grow up, just as you watched me grow up. We went through so many things together, have shared so many secrets (though you are terrible at keeping secrets). Our parents know each other, and my mum loves you. You saw me stray all the time back in high school, always shaking your head at me, just as I saw you stray carelessly (or with carefree vigour) through life. We both watched each other get completely smashed at underage parties, and swapped stories on having our first cigarette, tattoos, piercings; the works. We competed pettily for everything back in high school, and you won hands down at almost everything, other than music and most test scores :p You were in the limelight for everything - the glamour girl, whereas I was total opposite of you. I was quiet, shy, gawky, didn't fit in, alternative chick, whereas you were Miss Popularity. Almost like Beaches, and you know what I mean. How we managed to stay friends, even though we went in very different directions, still astounds me. But we are still friends, and very good friends at that.
And you know this: you were the envy of many girls back then. To many girls, and boys, you were the complete package: intelligent, witty, beautiful, street smart, silly, nice, genuine. The whole package.
But the girl I listened to in the car this week was not that girl. The girl I heard was so insecure inside herself, and this was heartbreaking to see. The girl I know now is miserable; gone is that charming smile that could win almost anyone over; the confidence sripped bare, and all your insecurities showing, unmasked in all it's glory.
I miss you. I miss the confident you. I know it's still there, lurking underneath all the stress, sleepless nights, and constant tears. It's dying to get out, I know that. And I hope by the time you read this entry, you will have broken free of the shackles that hold you back. Because I know you want to be happy. And you and I both know how you can be happy. And yet you're sacrificing your happiness for this greater cause, hoping everything will turn out ok. But sweetie, this has been going on for years. And I don't think you understand, or realise how much it hurts everyone around you to see you torture yourself so - even if it's for someone else.
Sometimes there's only so much you can do to help. Sometimes people won't change, because they don't want to. And if that's the case, then you're hanging onto a false dream. There have been so many chances given. And everytime you are hurt, or disappointed, or upset, or just plain exhausted, it hurts us: the people who love you.
And everytime you turn to us, wanting advice, we both know our advice falls on deaf ears. And at times you take our advice too personally, and hold us at fault. Which is why sometimes I won't tell you my honest opinion. But the conversation in the car this week tore at my heart strings. I don't want to see you sad. I don't want to see you torture yourself like this anymore. I don't want to see you cry time and again over the same thing. The girl I grew up with would never have let this trample over her like this. And I wish you could find the strength inside you to get out of this mess.
That is my blessing for you.
By the time you read this, you can vilify me if you want, and scream and yell as much as you please. But, if you are in a better situation by that time, then I will be OK with that. And if you're not, and you're still in the same situation and things have not changed, hopefully this will be the kick up the ass you need to break away.
I love you, and I only want what's best for you. Remember, the world doesn't end if this doesn't work out, ok? At the end of the day, you are still surrounded by many people who love you, who will support you, and always will.
I miss you. I miss the REAL you. It made me so sad listening to you talk on the way home this week. I've known you for about fifteen years now; I watched you grow up, just as you watched me grow up. We went through so many things together, have shared so many secrets (though you are terrible at keeping secrets). Our parents know each other, and my mum loves you. You saw me stray all the time back in high school, always shaking your head at me, just as I saw you stray carelessly (or with carefree vigour) through life. We both watched each other get completely smashed at underage parties, and swapped stories on having our first cigarette, tattoos, piercings; the works. We competed pettily for everything back in high school, and you won hands down at almost everything, other than music and most test scores :p You were in the limelight for everything - the glamour girl, whereas I was total opposite of you. I was quiet, shy, gawky, didn't fit in, alternative chick, whereas you were Miss Popularity. Almost like Beaches, and you know what I mean. How we managed to stay friends, even though we went in very different directions, still astounds me. But we are still friends, and very good friends at that.
And you know this: you were the envy of many girls back then. To many girls, and boys, you were the complete package: intelligent, witty, beautiful, street smart, silly, nice, genuine. The whole package.
But the girl I listened to in the car this week was not that girl. The girl I heard was so insecure inside herself, and this was heartbreaking to see. The girl I know now is miserable; gone is that charming smile that could win almost anyone over; the confidence sripped bare, and all your insecurities showing, unmasked in all it's glory.
I miss you. I miss the confident you. I know it's still there, lurking underneath all the stress, sleepless nights, and constant tears. It's dying to get out, I know that. And I hope by the time you read this entry, you will have broken free of the shackles that hold you back. Because I know you want to be happy. And you and I both know how you can be happy. And yet you're sacrificing your happiness for this greater cause, hoping everything will turn out ok. But sweetie, this has been going on for years. And I don't think you understand, or realise how much it hurts everyone around you to see you torture yourself so - even if it's for someone else.
Sometimes there's only so much you can do to help. Sometimes people won't change, because they don't want to. And if that's the case, then you're hanging onto a false dream. There have been so many chances given. And everytime you are hurt, or disappointed, or upset, or just plain exhausted, it hurts us: the people who love you.
And everytime you turn to us, wanting advice, we both know our advice falls on deaf ears. And at times you take our advice too personally, and hold us at fault. Which is why sometimes I won't tell you my honest opinion. But the conversation in the car this week tore at my heart strings. I don't want to see you sad. I don't want to see you torture yourself like this anymore. I don't want to see you cry time and again over the same thing. The girl I grew up with would never have let this trample over her like this. And I wish you could find the strength inside you to get out of this mess.
That is my blessing for you.
By the time you read this, you can vilify me if you want, and scream and yell as much as you please. But, if you are in a better situation by that time, then I will be OK with that. And if you're not, and you're still in the same situation and things have not changed, hopefully this will be the kick up the ass you need to break away.
I love you, and I only want what's best for you. Remember, the world doesn't end if this doesn't work out, ok? At the end of the day, you are still surrounded by many people who love you, who will support you, and always will.
No comments:
Post a Comment