I haven’t written to you in a while. But you’ve been playing on my mind of late. Once again, I’m at work. Today is a throwaway day. It’s Yan’s last day before she goes on maternity leave, and we’ve just had morning tea for her. Then, in about an hour, we’re going for a final lunch with her. I have a meeting with her and James this afternoon to hand over work, and then we have the movie night tonight. I don’t have a solid block of time to start anything meaningful, so I’ll write instead.
To be honest, I’ve been thinking of you quite a lot lately. Certain things have drawn my attention, and memory, back to you. For a moment there, I was going to say I didn't know the reason behind this, but that's untrue. I do know the reason you're at the back of my waking conscience lately. And you’ve been there non stop for the past month or so.
Ok. Let me gather my thoughts.
It started back in February, around the time of the Hamilton Island trip, and the impending wedding. Back in February, I had a talk with Winnii on the plane ride back to Melbourne from Hamilton Island. She was struggling with mixed feelings over this guy. She was confused about her relationship with him at the time. I questioned why she wanted to think so much, when she really should just have fun, and see where that led. As in, why did she need to think of how it might have turned out down the track? Why couldn't she continue to have fun, and not worry where it led? And then I thought, "Oh shit, I’m a hypocrite". I’ve been deluding myself these past few years, doing exactly the opposite of what I had just advised Winnii. That was revelation number one.
Then, two weeks ago, she and I talked late at night. We were talking about relationships, and she asked why I didn’t let my guard down, even just a little bit. You know, like a sneak peek into the private life of Thuy. She believed that people would see more of me if I did just that, because I’m such a quiet person of late. She said she believed I was a really interesting person, but only that I never allow the opportunity for people to see that side of me. It was this very conversation that made me consider my plight. It was from this very conversation that I decided to take a chance, and let the walls around me crumble, ever so slightly.
Does that sound strange to you? I know she’s right, you know. I have been fiercely protective of this heart of mine, all these years, to my own detriment. Do you know that you were the last person I opened up to? I still don’t understand how you did it, to be honest. I still don’t understand what transpired between us. I don’t understand any of it, other than the feeling of you. Somehow, you were able to dig deep, and reveal my inner most thoughts. You saw my soul laid bare before you. You read my script, knew my secrets, understood my wants, needs, desires, weaknesses, strengths. All of it. I was drawn to you, though we were so different, and I gave in. Completely, utterly, devotedly. Unconditionally. I gave you every millimetre of me, and more. Every molecule of my being. And more. All willingly, you must understand. You knew me so well. My words drew you, held you, and kept you.
It’s strange to be reminded of you so much lately. All these thoughts, memories, come flooding back, almost to haunt me. Not in a bad way, you understand. They don’t haunt me like a nightmare. I’m just constantly reminded of you of late. Subconsciously, I have begun the process of unravelling myself, and in doing that, I remember little moments. It’s almost like letting you go again, but this time, I understand a hell of a lot more. And it doesn’t hurt. It makes me smile. I dug up a few of your words the other week. And I still don’t get it, after all these years, how you can reach out and touch me like that. Your poetry is amazing. Your words, your thoughts, your morals, all of it. Amazing. But I understand your words now more than I ever thought I could. It makes me smile thinking about it.
And you were right. You were so, so, so right. I don’t understand how you could have predicted this all those years ago, but sometimes, I feel a small, teeny, weeny, tinge of guilt. And it’s ridiculous. I know you want me to let go. I know you want me to be happy. I know all of this. I have known all of this for years now. I know that if you read this, it would make you sad. But I was the architect of my own misery. Not you, but me. I accept that. I accept that I did this to myself. I also understand that I am also the master of my own future, and I want my future to be bright. It's wishful thinking to dream of you beside me. Once upon a time I thought I could never have a rosy future without the painting of you within that dream, but I understand that’s not true. Silly girl.
You will always remain a part of me. That will never change. What we had transcends anything and everything I have ever known, but I understand now, with absolute clarity, that it is unconditional. Since the wheels have begun to turn from that conversation with Winnii on the plane, I am quickly, and gathering momentum, moving on, and letting this guard of mine go, and allowing the opportunity to open up again. It’s actually a scary, but nice feeling, you know? Does that make sense?
To be honest, I’ve been thinking of you quite a lot lately. Certain things have drawn my attention, and memory, back to you. For a moment there, I was going to say I didn't know the reason behind this, but that's untrue. I do know the reason you're at the back of my waking conscience lately. And you’ve been there non stop for the past month or so.
Ok. Let me gather my thoughts.
It started back in February, around the time of the Hamilton Island trip, and the impending wedding. Back in February, I had a talk with Winnii on the plane ride back to Melbourne from Hamilton Island. She was struggling with mixed feelings over this guy. She was confused about her relationship with him at the time. I questioned why she wanted to think so much, when she really should just have fun, and see where that led. As in, why did she need to think of how it might have turned out down the track? Why couldn't she continue to have fun, and not worry where it led? And then I thought, "Oh shit, I’m a hypocrite". I’ve been deluding myself these past few years, doing exactly the opposite of what I had just advised Winnii. That was revelation number one.
Then, two weeks ago, she and I talked late at night. We were talking about relationships, and she asked why I didn’t let my guard down, even just a little bit. You know, like a sneak peek into the private life of Thuy. She believed that people would see more of me if I did just that, because I’m such a quiet person of late. She said she believed I was a really interesting person, but only that I never allow the opportunity for people to see that side of me. It was this very conversation that made me consider my plight. It was from this very conversation that I decided to take a chance, and let the walls around me crumble, ever so slightly.
Does that sound strange to you? I know she’s right, you know. I have been fiercely protective of this heart of mine, all these years, to my own detriment. Do you know that you were the last person I opened up to? I still don’t understand how you did it, to be honest. I still don’t understand what transpired between us. I don’t understand any of it, other than the feeling of you. Somehow, you were able to dig deep, and reveal my inner most thoughts. You saw my soul laid bare before you. You read my script, knew my secrets, understood my wants, needs, desires, weaknesses, strengths. All of it. I was drawn to you, though we were so different, and I gave in. Completely, utterly, devotedly. Unconditionally. I gave you every millimetre of me, and more. Every molecule of my being. And more. All willingly, you must understand. You knew me so well. My words drew you, held you, and kept you.
It’s strange to be reminded of you so much lately. All these thoughts, memories, come flooding back, almost to haunt me. Not in a bad way, you understand. They don’t haunt me like a nightmare. I’m just constantly reminded of you of late. Subconsciously, I have begun the process of unravelling myself, and in doing that, I remember little moments. It’s almost like letting you go again, but this time, I understand a hell of a lot more. And it doesn’t hurt. It makes me smile. I dug up a few of your words the other week. And I still don’t get it, after all these years, how you can reach out and touch me like that. Your poetry is amazing. Your words, your thoughts, your morals, all of it. Amazing. But I understand your words now more than I ever thought I could. It makes me smile thinking about it.
And you were right. You were so, so, so right. I don’t understand how you could have predicted this all those years ago, but sometimes, I feel a small, teeny, weeny, tinge of guilt. And it’s ridiculous. I know you want me to let go. I know you want me to be happy. I know all of this. I have known all of this for years now. I know that if you read this, it would make you sad. But I was the architect of my own misery. Not you, but me. I accept that. I accept that I did this to myself. I also understand that I am also the master of my own future, and I want my future to be bright. It's wishful thinking to dream of you beside me. Once upon a time I thought I could never have a rosy future without the painting of you within that dream, but I understand that’s not true. Silly girl.
You will always remain a part of me. That will never change. What we had transcends anything and everything I have ever known, but I understand now, with absolute clarity, that it is unconditional. Since the wheels have begun to turn from that conversation with Winnii on the plane, I am quickly, and gathering momentum, moving on, and letting this guard of mine go, and allowing the opportunity to open up again. It’s actually a scary, but nice feeling, you know? Does that make sense?
There is no betrayal between us.
It is finally, after all these years, that I understand completely those last few words from you.
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