Sometimes I feel like the gods are conspiring against me. It's funny. I had honestly thought that, by now, I understood myself more than I thought I did. But when life throws me a curveball, I surprise even myself with my reaction. I thought I knew better by now, and I upset myself knowing that I haven't.
Something happened today, almost as if it was a repeat exercise. No, not exercise. A repeat test. A test of character? A test to see whether I had learned my lesson? I think so. It was almost like de'ja vu. If it was a test, did I fail miserably again? I feel like I have. Not as catastrophic as last time, but still spectacularly, I believe.
In my high school years, one of my favourite authors was Christopher Pike. I read almost every single novel he wrote for teenage fiction. There was one in particular that actually bothered me a lot though, that gave me nightmares for months. I wish I had never read it. It was called The Visitor. It was a story of this higher being, an alien, come to Earth during the time of the Great Pyramids. This higher being gave herself a human shell, and was immortal. Her alien sidekick warned her not to get too close, but she didn't heed his call, and fell in love. As time went by, she remained beautiful, and young, and found herself so comfortable that she didn't want to leave, even though she knew she should have.
As luck would have it, she was betrayed by someone close to her, and was locked inside one of the Pyramids with her soulmate/lover. The prison was mortared and hidden from all the paths, so that she would never be found. Because she was immortal, her lover died, while she remained in this coffin, destined to be there for all eternity.
But she was given a chance. Thousands of years later, she was offered the same chance again. The same test. With the reincarnation of her lover by her side. She could either choose to leave, or remain behind with her lover. Love got the better of her, and she wanted to stay, to her detriment. Because, it turned out that she had faced the same test, and failed miserably again, and discovered she was still locked in her coffin, unable to be freed, all because of one simple mistake.
This novel disturbed me so badly I had nightmares for months, and I couldn't sleep until I had the most beautiful dream one night that made all the nightmares go away. I couldn't get the thought of her trapped inside a coffin for thousands and thousands of years out of my mind.
Right now, I kind of feel like I'm in the same scenario, to a lesser extent. Not as silly as last time, but I could cry just thinking that I have failed it again. I thought I was ready for this. That's what I've been saying to myself all this time. That, if ever I was faced with the same dillemma, I would know what to do. And yet, when push came to shove, I made the same choice as last time. And I am kicking myself. I upset myself. I thought I had done my time, completed my penance. I thought I had been in the coffin long enough to get out. And now, after today, I feel like I'm still stuck in the coffin. Trapped.
When will I learn? It makes me wonder. Will I ever learn? Tiny steps at a time? Maybe instead of being six feet under, I am now 3 feet under, and hoping to get back to ground level soon.
What bothers me most is perhaps I haven't learned anything, and I'm still stuck, unable to move on and be presented with the next challenge. I hope that's not the case. I pray that's not the case.
Give me the test again, and God willing, give me the damn strength to pass it.
Something happened today, almost as if it was a repeat exercise. No, not exercise. A repeat test. A test of character? A test to see whether I had learned my lesson? I think so. It was almost like de'ja vu. If it was a test, did I fail miserably again? I feel like I have. Not as catastrophic as last time, but still spectacularly, I believe.
In my high school years, one of my favourite authors was Christopher Pike. I read almost every single novel he wrote for teenage fiction. There was one in particular that actually bothered me a lot though, that gave me nightmares for months. I wish I had never read it. It was called The Visitor. It was a story of this higher being, an alien, come to Earth during the time of the Great Pyramids. This higher being gave herself a human shell, and was immortal. Her alien sidekick warned her not to get too close, but she didn't heed his call, and fell in love. As time went by, she remained beautiful, and young, and found herself so comfortable that she didn't want to leave, even though she knew she should have.
As luck would have it, she was betrayed by someone close to her, and was locked inside one of the Pyramids with her soulmate/lover. The prison was mortared and hidden from all the paths, so that she would never be found. Because she was immortal, her lover died, while she remained in this coffin, destined to be there for all eternity.
But she was given a chance. Thousands of years later, she was offered the same chance again. The same test. With the reincarnation of her lover by her side. She could either choose to leave, or remain behind with her lover. Love got the better of her, and she wanted to stay, to her detriment. Because, it turned out that she had faced the same test, and failed miserably again, and discovered she was still locked in her coffin, unable to be freed, all because of one simple mistake.
This novel disturbed me so badly I had nightmares for months, and I couldn't sleep until I had the most beautiful dream one night that made all the nightmares go away. I couldn't get the thought of her trapped inside a coffin for thousands and thousands of years out of my mind.
Right now, I kind of feel like I'm in the same scenario, to a lesser extent. Not as silly as last time, but I could cry just thinking that I have failed it again. I thought I was ready for this. That's what I've been saying to myself all this time. That, if ever I was faced with the same dillemma, I would know what to do. And yet, when push came to shove, I made the same choice as last time. And I am kicking myself. I upset myself. I thought I had done my time, completed my penance. I thought I had been in the coffin long enough to get out. And now, after today, I feel like I'm still stuck in the coffin. Trapped.
When will I learn? It makes me wonder. Will I ever learn? Tiny steps at a time? Maybe instead of being six feet under, I am now 3 feet under, and hoping to get back to ground level soon.
What bothers me most is perhaps I haven't learned anything, and I'm still stuck, unable to move on and be presented with the next challenge. I hope that's not the case. I pray that's not the case.
Give me the test again, and God willing, give me the damn strength to pass it.
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