My vent.

I'm going through so many emotions today, I feel I'm going crazy. I feel awful. I hate this weather, I despise my work, I despise the management at work and I despair that August is so far away. I saddened upon reading Wendy's loss, and I slumped back into my seat upon hearing Kad's accident, first from worry, then from relief that she's ok. I'm frustrated, tired, emotionally exhausted, and I want to curse at everything. Hmmmph.

I was so close to printing out my resignation this morning, and handing it straight to the Director. Inches close. For the first time in an extremely long time, I felt like punching something and pretending it was my director's and manager's face. Damn them. I am fixing up so many of their tardiness, and patching up their shoddy work, I'm sick of it. I hate being here, at my desk. I hate it today. I want the day to be over. I want the weekend to come, just to know that I have knocked off an extra week, and that means one less week at work, and one week closer to judgment day.

I honestly don't know if I can hang in there, but I must. It is really testing my patience though. I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of fighting every day, and I'm fighting not only management, but a mental battle against myself as well. The longer I stay here, the weaker I feel, and I honestly wonder if the bonus is worth all this anguish I'm putting myself through. And it's worst that it's May now, because I can see the end of the tunnel, but I want to wake up tomorrow knowing it's July, and not May 4th. It's agonising that I have to wait another two months before I can hand in my resignation.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of this. I just want the madness to be over. I feel I'm losing my integrity the longer I stay. And yet, I know if I stick to this job, come September I will look back on the events passed and know I made the right decision by sticking it out, because all this crap I am going through will make me a stronger person. I just hate all the lies, the deceit that's going on. And I'm torn between whether to stick it out and get my hard earned year's work, or leave now and not burn my bridges. Come July, I will be the wicked witch of the west at this company. In management's eyes. They will hate me for walking away at the worst time possible, and they will struggle without me. They will struggle without me now, actually. That's not arrogance, that is the honest truth. I am so booked out at work that the earliest time I can book for leave is the last week of June.

The earlier I leave, the better it is for them because they can find someone to replace me - but it will also mean double Sam's work. If I leave in August, when the Director is off on maternity leave, I will leave them in the middle of five implementations, and Sam is most likely to walk out with me. Two staff down from a company of eight, and with the Director on leave. Phew. I'm preparing myself for a showdown, and I'm dreading it as much as much as I am anticipating it. Dreading it because they will hate me, but anticipating it because this nightmare I have built around me is almost over.

And that was my vent. Amen.