I wrote the below post ages ago. At the time, I didn't want to publish it, because it just felt too personal. Even now, it still feels vivid. I still remember specific details of the dream too: that I was 29 in the dream, and Kate died when I was 24. And I remember that initially, I didn't even remember her; I had blocked her out of my mind for the past 3 years, because the pain of losing her was so traumatic that my only coping mechanism was to forget about her completely. And I remember when I finally remembered her, the look on Mum and Nhan's face said it all: that they had been worried about me remembering Kate. They had taken down all the photos of her, for example, so it felt like I was just living my normal life, like right now.
And my memories of her was of the cutest little girl, saying goodbye to Nhan for example, standing up on a chair, giving him a hug goodbye because she knew she wouldn't live.
And I remember I was devastated when I did remember her - how I could block her from my mind. I think that was the hardest part of all.
Sigh. It feels real, still. I'm getting emotional just thinking about the dream again.
And it was just a dream. It really makes you wonder which realm is reality, when dreams can feel so so so real.
The post was dated Thursday, 12th December, 2009. Maybe the dream was to prepare me for Raffie's passing?
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I had the weirdest dream last night. When I was growing up, I used to have dreams that felt like reality. You know, the kind of dreams where you wake up and wonder if the dream you had was actual reality, and the reality you think you live in is actually the dream. And on the odd occasion, my dreams felt so real that it made me wonder whether I was remembering a past event, rather than a dream. It's like a parallel universe.
I had one of those dreams last night. I dreamed that I had a daughter years ago, but she died of a rare cancer or disease. Her name was Kate, and she was the spitting image of Cathy as a young girl. Really cute, very adorable, always smiling. And then she died when she was around four or five years old.
The dream took place about five years after her death, and I was remembering her life, and what she was like, and seeing her in hospital before she died. The memories I was dreaming felt so real that I could actually feel the pain of losing her, and I was crying in my dream, thinking how unfair it was that she was taken away from me.
And then I woke up. But I wasn't ok at all. I had been crying in my sleep, and I could still feel the pain, and I couldn't stop myself crying. It really affected me. I kept telling myself that it was a dream, it was just a dream, but I still wasn't OK. I just wanted to see her again.
For the briefest moment, I felt like a mother, and the pain of losing her made me want to have a child, because I wanted to see someone like her grow up.
I'm still emotional now just thinking about it.
Goodness gracious me. What a dream.
And my memories of her was of the cutest little girl, saying goodbye to Nhan for example, standing up on a chair, giving him a hug goodbye because she knew she wouldn't live.
And I remember I was devastated when I did remember her - how I could block her from my mind. I think that was the hardest part of all.
Sigh. It feels real, still. I'm getting emotional just thinking about the dream again.
And it was just a dream. It really makes you wonder which realm is reality, when dreams can feel so so so real.
The post was dated Thursday, 12th December, 2009. Maybe the dream was to prepare me for Raffie's passing?
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I had the weirdest dream last night. When I was growing up, I used to have dreams that felt like reality. You know, the kind of dreams where you wake up and wonder if the dream you had was actual reality, and the reality you think you live in is actually the dream. And on the odd occasion, my dreams felt so real that it made me wonder whether I was remembering a past event, rather than a dream. It's like a parallel universe.
I had one of those dreams last night. I dreamed that I had a daughter years ago, but she died of a rare cancer or disease. Her name was Kate, and she was the spitting image of Cathy as a young girl. Really cute, very adorable, always smiling. And then she died when she was around four or five years old.
The dream took place about five years after her death, and I was remembering her life, and what she was like, and seeing her in hospital before she died. The memories I was dreaming felt so real that I could actually feel the pain of losing her, and I was crying in my dream, thinking how unfair it was that she was taken away from me.
And then I woke up. But I wasn't ok at all. I had been crying in my sleep, and I could still feel the pain, and I couldn't stop myself crying. It really affected me. I kept telling myself that it was a dream, it was just a dream, but I still wasn't OK. I just wanted to see her again.
For the briefest moment, I felt like a mother, and the pain of losing her made me want to have a child, because I wanted to see someone like her grow up.
I'm still emotional now just thinking about it.
Goodness gracious me. What a dream.
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